Life is weird, right? Sometimes you’re just going about your business, trying to imbibe enough caffeine to drag through the last endless hour of a Friday afternoon at the widget company when out of nowhere, a demon wielding dark magic comes crashing through the cubicle occupied by Donna in accounting. This beast from Hell eats all the day-old bagels your boss bought for cheap to lull you and your co-workers into carb-induced obedience. And then, the foul creature drinks all the break room coffee! I mean, the coffee isn’t that great—it’s just freakin’ K Cups. But it’s the only thing keeping you from drifting into a restless slumber where you have a nightmare that your entire life is spent doing nothing but responding to Slack notifications and accepting meeting invites in MS Outlook. (Or are you actually awake after all?).Holy crap, you say to yourself. I need someone who knows about this magic stuff. I’ll call John Constantine!
But what if Constantine isn’t available? What if he’s decided to take the first vacation of his life and is currently sunbathing on a tropical beach somewhere? (Wait, does he even know what sunbathing is? Does he even know what a beach is?) Or what if—praise the lord—he’s finally decided to go to rehab? Many people have surely tried to make him go over the years, but he’s apparently always said no, no, no. What do you do then? Who do you call?
The answer is simple. You call Loki Laufeyson. Why is the God of Mischief the perfect substitute for everyone’s favorite British curmudgeon? Read on to find out!
We all love Constantine. And just like Loki, he’s survived some pretty horrific situations. But Loki is literally a god, which makes him much harder to kill. When you’ve got a tricky magic situation, a mere mortal may not always do the trick. Sometimes you need a person who can really take a beating. You need the Scotchgard of sorcerers. And Loki is that person.
They’re the Bad Kids
Look, you don’t call John Constantine unless you enjoy a little self-indulgent brooding. But luckily, both Constantine and Loki are delightfully angsty. In any teen movie or TV show to come out between 1983 and 1998, they’d both be the emo kid with the quick wit. They’d be the one you drink beer with under the bleachers. They’d be John Bender from The Breakfast Club. Jordan Catallano from My So-Called Life. And sure, that approach to life has put Constantine on the quick road to emphysema and liver failure. And it’s driven Loki to attempted fratricide and patricide on multiple occasions. But still, there’s just something about those sexy, mysterious types.
And speaking of sexy, Constantine has always had that alluringly rumpled appeal going for him. Admittedly, this is a look Loki historically hasn’t adopted. But here and there over the last few years, we’ve seen that starting to change. Loki has been experimenting with facial hair, and I’m totally here for it! The God of Mischief can absolutely pull off a little stubble. Plus, his long, black locks earn him some points when it comes to rugged attractiveness. I’m willing to argue Loki can give Constantine a run for his money in the scruff department.
Dedication to their craft
Both Loki and Constantine have spent significant lengths of time learning sorcery and becoming masters at their craft. Both understand its power. So Loki is certainly no less dedicated to it than Constantine. But Loki may actually have a bit of an advantage in that his attitude about his craft is, shall we say, a little less grim than Constantine’s. While Constantine approaches his magic with all the enthusiasm of a vegan at a steakhouse, Loki approaches sorcery with actual glee. Constantine practices magic out of a sense of obligation, whereas for Loki, it’s more of a power trip…and come on, we all love him for that. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of narcissism, right?
Breaking heteronormative conventions
It stands to reason that someone who plays in the sandbox of supernatural sorcery would be pretty open-minded when it comes to sexuality and gender. And that’s certainly true for both Constantine and Loki. Constantine is bisexual and Loki is gender fluid, sometimes taking the form of a woman. And no offense to cis, straight dudes, but your days of completely dominating every single field—whether it’s corporate America, government office, or sorcery—are quickly coming to an end and it’s about time.
Taste in music
It’s important for your sorcerer of choice to have good taste in music. I mean, how can you put your trust in someone who only listens to Nickelback and Kid Rock? Constantine is a big music geek. He’s a huge fan of the Sex Pistols and actually started his own punk band called Mucous Membrane (I can’t even). And as we know from Loki: Agent of Asgard, wherein one Loki Laufeyson is shown all soaped up in the shower wearing nothing but a towel around his neck (be still, my heart) while singing “The Wizard and I” from Wicked, Loki is just as discriminating when it comes to his playlists.
And there you have it! What I’d consider a pretty convincing argument for why Loki would have no problem subbing in for John Constantine. So the next time you find yourself in a supernatural pickle and your calls keep going to Constantine’s voicemail, remember, he’s not the only sorcerer in town!