Or However Many I Feel Like, And They Might Not All Be Facts
Welcome back to By The Numbers, the column where I count things in
this last week’s new comics from DC! This column will contain spoilers, but I’ll keep them as vague as possible while still amusing myself.
Due to technical issues, the By The Numbers for October Week One did not get to your lovely hands on time. It is presented here, and this week’s column is appended below. If the impermanence of time has rendered you uncaring and cynical toward last week’s comics already, skip down to where it says This Week real big.
Okay, gang, got a joke for ya. A transphobe, an Islamophobe, and a Nazi sympathizer walk into a bar. DC gives them each a comic to write.
Maybe my deep cynicism has reached a new level, but this week’s batch of DC comics seems remarkably bad. Batman: The Dawnbreaker features the lamest Lantern Oath ever. Superman goes from being about Lois to being about… Deathstroke for some reason? Cyborg, the most technology-centric book at DC, sounds like it’s about to explain to me that the Internet is a series of tubes. Harley & Ivy Meet Betty & Veronica is all the worst elements of those properties thrown into a blender with no particular point or plan. It’s just a lot, y’know?
It’s not all bad, though! Look, my column is so spoilerific it’s going to spoil its own ending:
Number of these titles I was excited to read this week: 8!
Which eight? See if you can guess!
Main Ongoing Titles
All-Star Batman #14
Number of cuts from “now” to “then” or vice versa while carrying the same narrative thread: 5
Number of issues King spent selling me on Bruce/Selina: 13
Number of issues it took for me to become unsold: 5
Number… of… Seriously? Cyber-geddon?
Number of people about to die: 7 and a half
Green Arrow #32
Number of emotions within Joker Batman except evil: 0!
Green Lanterns #32
Number of Jessica Cruz’s abs visible through her uniform in this issue: 6, which you may think is a little excessive since 4 would’ve been lovely, but have you considered: Strong Ladies Are Hot. Hm? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Harley Quinn #29
Number of years Jimmy and Amanda have been writing a character seriously named “Harlem Harley”: 3.5
Justice League #30
Number of issues it took me to realize the daughter of the Flash and Jessica Cruz calls herself “Cruise”: 3
Number of characters the cover says are “DEADLIER TOGETHER” who are ever actually together in this issue: 0
Number of events in this issue in which Lois is allowed any real agency: 0
Bane: Conquest #6
Number of issues until this “mini-series” is over: 6
Batman: The Dawnbreaker #1
Number of iambs per line of a Lantern Oath: 4
Number of Val Kilmer lips in this issue: 2
Batman: White Knight #1
Number of pills it takes to “cure” the Joker: about 22, apparently
Dastardly & Muttley #2
Number of pages of the first issue it took for me to decide I was never going to read this book: 3
Harley & Ivy Meet Betty & Veronica #1
Number of women in the title of this crossover: 4
Number of women in the creative team for this crossover: 1
Injustice 2 #11
Number of lady-kisses: 1
Savage Things #8
Number of shocking double-crosses: 3 or zero, depending on how cynical you were in your expectations
Number of these titles I was excited to read this week: 8!
Welcome back to By The Numbers, the column where I count things in this week’s new comics from DC! This column will contain spoilers, but I’ll keep them as vague as possible while still amusing myself.
This week is a pleasant reprieve from the intense fuckery of last week. It’s far from perfect, but it’s a relief that it’s not so bad. If you’ve just read last week’s column (see above), perhaps you’ll understand how I feel about this.
We’ve got 20 comics this week, y’all, and several of them were a joy. James Robinson continues to exist, but at least Diana is in her comic this time around. Selina and Pam are back with the Birds of Prey, as are a ton of other ladies because why not. New Wildstorm stuff, Flash is less depressing, the full issue of Gotham City Garage, and the premier of Ragman. Very exciting, honestly, and I made it through all 20 without wanting to gouge my brain out even once.
Maybe once. Or twice. But not constantly for days!
Three, two, one, let’s go.
Action Comics #989
Number of issues ago Manchester Black used the “show him lies on a big wall of screens” tactic against Superboy in Superman: 9
Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #15
Number of women who join this team-up: 11
Number of then who kiss in this issue: 0
Number of times I ever want to hear Harley say she’s helping/saving Joker: 0, that’s gross, use a different excuse to get her into your team-up, she’s the weirdo clown girl, she literally could’ve been in Gotham just to get a hot dog because she was bored of Coney Island ones, it didn’t have to be some thin “Only I can kill him” nonsense
Detective Comics #966
Number of women appearing in this issue: 0, plus two flashbacks and one who’s discussed and threatened but given no screen time
Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #30
Number of times you should shout the name of the bad guy you THINK you’re fighting: minimum of 1, just in case you’re mind controlled and/or it’s an illusion. Common courtesy.
Justice League of America #16
Number of fucks I could give about “The Null”: 0
New Super-Man #16
Number of the Detective Comics issue homaged in this issue: #1
Red Hood and the Outlaws #15
Number of titles with at least a minor cross-over this week: 7, and I think most of them are pretty well-done and add something to the book
Suicide Squad #27
Number of pop culture references I caught: 5
Number of friends we made along the way: 3
Number of lesbians I’m going to need to see in this title in order to forgive it for bait-and-switching Lana for Lois: 3, bare minimum! Eh, what? There’s three queer ladies in this issue? On-screen at the same time? Talking to each other? About each other? Well. I guess it’s time to forgive Superwoman!
The Flash #32
Number of countless diamonds: 110
Wonder Woman #32
Number of pages without Diana: 1
Number of pages without a man: 1
Bombshells United #3
You’d think after three years, 100 digital-first issues, and vast commercial success, DC might’ve moved Bombshells to a primary ongoing, but no. See also, Marvel announced two new Black Panther-related books, one written by a man, one written by a woman, and only the one written by a woman is digital-first. Also, they just canceled Black Panther and the Crew before it even hit the stands, and now they’re announcing two more Black Panther books? I’m so confused and also wayyyy off-topic. This is why I just count things, y’all, and don’t write mini-reviews like Cori does.
Dark Nights: Metal #3
Number of times they’ve said Steampunk Aquawoman Batman “is Bruce Wayne”: 3, so I thoroughly expect her to be a well-written evil trans sea goddess
Gotham City Garage #1
Number of denim jackets with a hastily spray-painted House of El symbol DC could sell: 50,000
Michael Cray #1
Number of times I questioned Warren Ellis’s judgement during this issue: 11
Mister Miracle #3
Number of increasingly unsubtle Nazi/neo-Nazi references: rising
Number of places DC said this title is about “Rory Harper” rather than “Rory Regan”: at least 3
Scooby Doo Apocalypse #18
Number of speech bubbles per page in this issue (average): 19, which is very high
Scooby Doo Where Are You? #86
Number of stops Velma asked the gang to make: 2, and one of them must’ve been to pick her up, but there’s nothing about what the other one was. Do I smell an editing mistake?