Or However Many I Feel Like, And They Might Not All Be Facts
Welcome back to By The Numbers, the column where I count things in this week’s new comics from DC! This column will contain spoilers, but I’ll keep them as vague as possible while still amusing myself.
Yet again, DC Comics has made the controversial decision to publish comics this week. The degree to which I am upset about this is average. The quality of the comics is average. The weather is lovely today. I think I’m going to cosplay Hela for Halloween. Don’t tell my wife, who is one of the three people who reads this column.
Oh, we’re starting now.
Main Ongoing Titles
Aquaman #29
Number of guesses it took Vulko to guess the wraith’s name: 12 (5 in last month’s issue)
Batman #33
Number of times I hope Tom King’s phone breaks if this is about Bruce needing to get a divorce from Talia: 17, and each time it’s three days after he gets everything reinstalled and finally set back up right
Batwoman #8
Number of women with speaking roles in this issue: 4
Number of men with speaking roles in this issue: 4
Green Arrow #33
Number of bionic chainsaw arms required to cut down a 30-foot-wide pine tree: 1
Green Lanterns #33
Number of Thanksgiving turkeys worth of planet Jess is holding up: 40 sextillion
Harley Quinn #30
Number of blocks Ivy expands Central Park: 2, if that. They’re long blocks east-to-west.
Justice League #31
Number of after-school specials that had to be run through a juicer to get this much sappy parent-child bonding: 173
Nightwing #31
Number of times I wanted to hear Huntress talk about how good Nightwing is at hot Dickings: 0
Super Sons #9
Number of adorable new clay superbabies I expect to know the names of by the end of next month: 7
Superman #33
Number of budda: 11
Titans #16
Number of additional timeline/continuity problems Donna Troy needed: 1, apparently
Trinity #14
Number of times Demon Bizarro’s speech patterns are consistent in this issue: 0
Other Titles
Astro City #48
Number of times the comic about the pupper who is SUCH A GOOD BOY made me cry: 0 (actually like 7)
Batman: The Drowned #1
Number of times Steampunk Aqualady Evil Batman is confirmed to be trans: 0, but it… it could still be true… theoretically… I just hate them so much.
Bombshells United #4
Number of issues James Tynion IV has been unsuccessfully trying to redeem Clayface: 33
Number of issues it took Marguerite Bennett to do it: 4
Future Quest Presents: Space Ghost #3
Number of times today Blip has saved us: Twice! Good monkey!
Injustice 2 #12
Number of days between the announcement of the possible discovery of believed-to-be-extinct Tasmanian tigers and the release of this issue depicting the death of the believed-to-be-last-remaining Tasmanian tiger: 40, and the announcement was made in part by a guy who calls himself “Richo,” short for “Richard.” Bless his heart.
Teen Titans Go! #24
Number of panels with unusual borders that heavily imply that Raven and Starfire are in love with Jinx: 1, which is enough, I’ll take it, thank you DC Gods for this Queer Content thou has bestowed upon me this day
The Wild Storm #8
Number of percent sure I am that Jacklyn King is fine as hell: 100
Number of percent sure I am that Jacklyn King is extremely butch: 100, but in a subdued, soft butch kinda way
Number of percent sure I am that Jacklyn King is gay: 90, and I will be so mad if Uncle Warren takes this away
Number of percent sure I am that Jacklyn King is going to hook up with Christine Trelane: 75
Wonder Woman/Conan #2
Number of times Gail Simone really needed to establish that her Cimmerian Amazon analogues “take measures” to “ensure that only girl children result” from their pregnancies: 0, and you should know better, Gail, shape up
Thank you for writing this column, I always read it and it’s so much fun!