Zack Snyder made a definitive statement about Batman’s bloodlust (or at least Batfleck’s), but does The Dark Knight bone? Is the World’s Greatest Detective also one of the world’s greatest lovers? The discussion at WWAC got heated this week and so we decided to share our insights into what exactly Bruce might be doing with that bat-a-wang.
Kat: It’s hard for me to come up with a definitive yes or no answer, because there are multitudes of Batmen and not all of them fuck. Michael Keaton Batman—obviously fucks, and owns a bearskin rug to do it on. But other Batmen? I’m not so sure.
Wendy: The Batman I’ve come to understand through various portrayals in comics and on screen is one who has actively erased the existence of Bruce Wayne as a person and only wears him as a convenient mask to get certain jobs done. Sometimes those jobs are specific to maintaining the facade that keeps Batman funded. Does that mean fucking? Yes, if he has to, but he’s not gonna like it.
His partners probably will enjoy themselves though, because, as with everything Batman does, he does it well, having travelled the world to learn the fine arts of fucking from the masters of sex.
Nola: I believe in a Batman who will absolutely do the dip-and-kiss-in-the-moonlight with a partner because he’s addicted to drama. That same Batman is also 100% confused every time the screen doesn’t fade to black afterward, because let’s be real, dude’s a childhood theater junkie who took “all the world’s a stage” way, way too literally. I’m mixing metaphors here but you take my point—no one takes Batman’s point.
I believe in a Batman who will absolutely do the dip-and-kiss-in-the-moonlight with a partner because he’s addicted to drama. That same Batman is also 100% confused every time the screen doesn’t fade to black afterward
Keaton Batman assuredly fucks (Prince soundtrack, hello), so does Kilmer Batman (he does it with his eyes alone at several points in Batman Forever). Clooney Batman talks about how much he fucks but definitely doesn’t actually. Bale Batman would fuck if it were absolutely necessary, but he’d do that tired slump thing first like when he dropped off that parking stall ledge. Batfleck doesn’t, but also don’t take a blacklight near his Batcomputer.
Wendy: Kilmer’s Batman fucks and then needs some alone time afterwards to listen to “Kiss From a Rose” and cry about it.
Claire: No. Batman does not fuck. He can be fucked—a partner, with permission, may climb aboard and do their thing—but I do not believe that Batman, himself, does fucking. He is not a sensual fellow. He is an obsessive and he has no jokes; therefore, he cannot screw.
I also don’t believe in Bruce Wayne, playboy himbo (as I believe Kat termed it elsewhere). Bruce Wayne is Christian Grey, who is nonsexual in his general life and then has a secret sex room where he does his “other business.” Bruce Wayne, in his turn, has a secret Batman cave. There is no sex—there is no room for sex. Batman does not fuck.
Paige: *cracks knuckles* I’ve been waiting to answer this question my entire life. So, first things first: the only Batman I can see fucking is the one portrayed in Unpretty’s “Sorrowful and Immaculate Hearts” fanfiction series, mostly because that Batman reads like a real human being with real emotions. Otherwise? Batman in the comics does not fuck. Tom King’s Batman does not fuck—Selina Kyle probably takes the bat-a-wang for a spin from time to time, but that’s while Batman is like, reading murder case files or some shit like that. Scott Snyder’s Batman does not fuck—except maybe the Joker, through extensive metaphor and obscure literary references. Don’t even talk to me about Grant Morrison’s Batman—and if you try to, too bad, because that entire situation is more fucked up than Batman actually fucks. Thinking about Frank Miller’s Batman fucking is too much chaos for any mere mortal to handle, and I want to enjoy the rest of my day, so I’m just gonna say he doesn’t fuck either and move on.
Scott Snyder’s Batman does not fuck—except maybe the Joker, through extensive metaphor and obscure literary references.
No matter the specific writer, Batman’s pants are and will forever remain firmly belted around his beefy, morose waist.
Besides, it is basically canon that Batman does not fuck! Check out “Bruce” by Olly Moss and Becky Cloonan in Batman: Black and White #6. Even when he does fuck, he is really thinking about justice. And there can be no fucking where justice is concerned.
Wendy: But what if he fucks FOR JUSTICE?
Paige: Batman’s brand of justice is way too sad (and a little self-absorbed, tbh).
Claire: Precisely. Where is the justice in a bad lay?
Nola: This puts a whole new light on the existence of the Justice Buster.
Kat: I agree with Wendy that Bruce/Batman has probably studied the fucking—he has read the ancient tomes and traveled to the clandestine sex caves to master the old ways of the presumably heterosexual screw. But I don’t know if he enjoys it.
Paige: I will concede the point that Batman is probably a great technical lay, but I also agree that there would definitely be no emotion behind it. And at that point, you might as well buy a vibrator, drink some wine, and have a nice night by yourself.
Claire: Yes. It would be like feeding yourself into a machine. You could get bored, and think of other things, but continue because it would all be so precise. Nobody wants to think about spreadsheets or grocery details while engaged in the act, and you would. You absolutely would.
Nola: And let’s be real, you can buy an actual fucking machine for a lot less than the cost of dealing with Bruce Wayne’s bullshit.
Wendy: What if Batman does fuck, but only with the masks on?
Nola: It’s actually weird how much having the mask on is a recurring theme? The most famous shot of him kissing Talia has it on, Miller references doing it with it on, and there’s that Catwoman scene.
Kat: Oho but this posits that it is Batman who fucks and Bruce who just takes a gal out for a nice time on the town.
Claire: Batman cannot fuck. Think of the guilt. With every thrust, a crime is concurrently being commited. He is not there to stop it. He could not accept this.
Nola: That said, he’s probably pretty in for power exchange. Batman’s a hell of a bottom.
Batman is just a Fifty Shades fanfic with the numbers shaved off, you know.
Paige: Probably a masochistic one, too. I’ve seen way too many suggestive official comic drawings featuring Catwoman’s claws and Talia al Ghul’s whip around that man to construe their prominence in any other way. And yet still, it doesn’t feel like any actual fucking is taking place in these situations.
Claire: Batman is just a Fifty Shades fanfic with the numbers shaved off, you know. A lot of people don’t know that. But it’s true
Kat: I mean, he could be asexual and still into kink, that’s a thing. He loves to be punished, for justice, he’s just not getting off on it. (Though I am not making the claim that a Batman who does not fuck is definitively asexual either, him being vocel is also extremely plausible).
Paige: That is a great point! OK, so I can see Batman being into kink. Definitely more for the punishment and power play aspects of it above anything else. But in the end, he really lacks a fucky vibe… which is weird because I do think he’s like, kinda sexy. Just not fucky at all.
Louis: I agree with Kat here. To me, Bruce Wayne reads as romantic, but neither Bruce nor Batsy read as sexual. Kinky? Hell yes. Bats is definitely a sub.
Nola: Look, Selina wears a strap and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Paige: Now that is just canon.
Louis: 100% yes to those comments, Nola and Paige.
Ardo: Scott Snyder’s Batman 100% is into the sex. He gifted a girl 50 volumes of a manga she adored! I think Alfred just needs to schedule in sexy times into his Bat-Calendar.
Cori: Batman canonically fucks. Otherwise he wouldn’t have the murderous brat of a hellspawn that somehow sprang from his loins. Also, that’s BRUCE Batman. Dick Grayson was also Batman (as he made a point to talk about in Detective Comics #1000) and we know Dick Grayson fucks. Especially redheads. God the redheads. Barbara Gordon. Starfire. Roy Harper. Wally West. Dick just loves his gingers.
Kat: Oh, Dick Grayson Batman absolutely fucks, and enjoys the hell out of it.
