Hire this Hero: Slyde This Résumé by Headmistress Pryde

Adam? Adam X? We haven’t seen you around here for—ohhh, gosh, I beg your pardon, sir! I mistook you for a friend of a friend. It’s easy to do, I’m sorry. People kind of have a habit of turning up here after a long time. Often in pretty rough shape! Oh, I beg your pardon, no, that’s not what I meant—you’re here for the job—the teaching post? Sure! Come on in to my office, I’m Kitty, I’m Headmistress here. Mm, well, it’s a long story. Although not as long as some I could tell you. Your résumé? Thank you, of course.

Slyder, Doom’s IV, Extreme Studios 1993

So, Mister Vanderveer. Or—Slyder? Should I call you Slyder? With a y, I see, haha, just like my name. No, Pryde, Headmistress Pryde, see? It’s here on my desk plaque. Oh, well . . . alright. Jason. We don’t stand on formality at the Jean Grey School, it’s true.

So, Jason, first of all I’d like to talk about your teaching experience. I see you don’t list any certified qualifications, which is fine, just fine; many of our teachers have come to teaching as, ahaha, you might say we regard the ability to educate as a secondary mutation here.

Kitty Pride, House of M, Oliver Coipel, Marvel Comics

Because . . . you get it? Because we’re mutants, ha ha. Just a silly sort of in-joke we have here, you’ll get used to those. No—oh! Oh, I beg your pardon, gee—no, of course it’s not necessary to be a born mutant, mutates are definitely welcome here—we even have technological beings and bionics and half-demons and ex-vampires around and all sorts! Tolerance is kind of our watchword, Mister Vanderveer. Jason. This school is big enough for all of us. I absolutely agree. I’m sure Doom’s IV have had just as many adventures and dealt with quite as many teaching moments as the X-Men. We’ve all felt the isolation that superpowers can bring and that’s something we need to prepare the next generation for, no matter how they come to this unusual walk of life. No doubt!

So, you’d say you’ve been homeschooling these children for several years now. And they’re yours—? They belong to your teammate, alright. No, Mister V—Jason, no, I certainly didn’t mean to suggest anything of the sort. Although we do welcome parents to our faculty we also deeply value those on our staff who’ve made the opposite decision, and those who—yes. Well, of course. Can I—have Troy and Shandi shown any great—no, certainly, certainly, young geniuses can be very hard to keep engaged. We have a couple here in fact, and I remember I myself—yes, I was what they call a child prodigy, back when I first came to—it was called the Xavier Institute then. Mutation aside, I was deep into computers before everybody was into computers, if you know what I mean. Oh, you too? Wow, that’s crazy.

So about your power set, Jason. You’ve written here “slyding,” which could mean a number of things, and I don’t want to suggest that any one kind of power is more useful or more valuable than any other but we do kind of need teachers who can teach by example, and of course as a leader in the Xavier tradition I do need a wide array of ability within the faculty teams. Things need to be balanced in the field, you know? Please don’t move that, Mister Vanderveer. No, indeed, I was planning to discuss pay at the end of the interview . . . after all, this is about helping the next generation. I’m sure you agree on the importance of that.

Could you describe to me, please, how exactly your “slyding” manifests? Is it disc-based? Teleportational? Technological? Is it between planes of reality, or time, or space? Can you reach other worlds or identifiable dimensions? Can you transport partners or teams or just yourself alone? Does it have an aspect of mucus or other secretions? No, I—no, Mister Vanderveer, please, I’m not meaning to imply—my own power—my own power, Jason, Mister Vanderveer, I’m sorry, is quite “mundane” itself. No, really, I mean it! I’m able to phase—I call it “phasing,” and it means I can move my own body sort of through the spaces between molecules—through walls and floors, and even through the air, in the most basic terms. Phasing—no, phasing, is something I’ve worked very hard on and I would never—what, exactly? That’s exactly what you can do? That’s not what slyding is, that’s a—it’s called phasing. I’ve been calling it that since I was thirteen. That—that is MUCH longer ago than yesterday!

How dare you, Mister Vanderveer? Please! I will NOT call you Slyder. That—that’s an absurd name! And that is an absurd idea! I did NOT accede to this headmistresship based on my powers or mutant, or even mutate, abilities, and you—your—your creepy similarities to my—my basic profile do NOT entitle you to fill my role! Not even when I am away from the school, as I must be at times, and certainly NOT while I am present! Absolutely not! That is insulting, Mister Vanderveer! Yes! Yes! Take that as a formal notification that you have NOT got the job! Or any job! And frankly, sir, quite frankly? I would never appoint as a teacher at my—at this prestigious school anyone who used the word bitchin’ in their interview. No it is not! No! And GOOD RIDDANCE!

Alright, very funny. Verrry funny, guys. Who referred one Mister Jason Slyder Vanderveer Creepfest for the vacant position? Who thought that would be a great example of heroism for the kids? He didn’t have a shirt on, Jubilee! No, that is different—in costume is different. No! I—I can still fire you, Jubilation Lee! Don’t think that I wouldn’t! Because I would.

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Claire Napier

Claire Napier

Critic, ex-Editor in Chief at WWAC, independent comics editor; the rock that drops on your head. Find me at clairenapierclairenapier@gmail.com and give me lots of money