I was a teenage werewolf.
It starts with a small cramp low in your belly. A tingle letting you know that time is running short and for everyone’s safety you should go home and lock yourself away for a few days.
You go talk to your boss about leaving early. She’s annoyed. It seems like you’re always sick. She suspects you’re a drug addict. The unpleasant woman in sales told you as much. Which means boss lady hasn’t noticed the cyclical nature of your malady. The true horror of your existence. She dismisses you, disgust burning in her eyes.
You leave, shame coloring your cheeks. Your co-worker knows your secret. Someone had to, for safety. She’s drafting you on your way out the door, a new sheaf of miracle cures gleaned from the internet and printed out for your perusal. Wolfsbane. Silver citrate. Some are harmless. Some are not.
“If you get down to 13% body fat you’re body won’t be able to… yanno. You’ll just stop. You’ll be normal.”
Normal. But skeletal. But hair falling out. But dying. But no more…
The tingle has turned into a hard pull. You rush home. You shower. You take as much pain reliever as is possible without frying your liver completely.
It won’t matter. The change is coming. You try to stay in bed, but as always you end up in the bathroom. On the floor. You’ve vomited half a dozen times because the pain is too much to keep inside your body. Your guts twist with angry sharp pain.
The legs are the worst. The muscles twist and tighten. You pace while you can, but inevitably you end up on the floor on your hands and knees. Changing. There isn’t thought. Just screaming and fear and the place where you used to be.
Okay. So, I’m not really a werewolf. But for many years this is exactly how I thought of myself. In fact, it became such a strong self-association that I got myself a sexy werewolf pin up girl tattoo:
But, now I’m recovering. (NOT CURED, but recovering.) I’ve just about caught up with the work out, and I’m prepared to add a new work out to the mix! (See below.) But, I’ve also taken another major step. I’ve gone vegan and gluten-free. Many doctors suggested that it might help reduce the inflammation that may be the cause of endometriosis. Notice all that indefinite language? Suggest? Might? Maybe? The fact is no one knows what causes endometriosis. The “most accepted” theory is that women with endometriosis menstruate backwards. Yep. They figure that the uterus like… leaks or something and instead of the endometrial lining going down the vagina and out the vulva it goes into the abdominal cavity. They call it “retrograde menstruation.” (And you thought Mercury in retrograde messed stuff up.)
Feral? That’s your best guess, science?
I’ll keep y’all up to date on my gluten-free veganism! Have great resources for vegan or gluten-free living? Please share! Questions about the workout (we’re going for full body, no equipment stuff this month)? Hit me up! Feel like a mythological monster? PREACH IN THE COMMENTS!
This month’s workout:
- Spider walk (1 minute)
- Sprinter Pulls (10 each side)
- Forward Linear Jumps (10x)
- Bear Crawl (1 minute)
Do 3 sets (or work up to 3 sets).
We’re doing this together, so don’t be afraid to hit me up here or on Twitter. Here’s to a great new year and starting 2015 monster free!