Or However Many I Feel Like, And They Might Not All Be Facts
Welcome back to By The Numbers, the column where I count things in this week’s new comics from DC! This column will contain spoilers, but I’ll keep them as vague as possible while still amusing myself.
What a week. Batman/The Shadow nears its conclusion. Lex Luthor turns into Darkseid but not really. Characters do stupid things. Kieth Giffen writes three issues that are so spectacularly mediocre I can’t even make fun of them. The column is late this week because the sun went out.
Let’s do the math.
Main Ongoing Titles
Action Comics #986
Number of times larger Lex’s head is than Superman’s on page 3: 8x! (by volume (I measured and did the math (I did not do either of those things)))
Number of times it totally sounds like Babs is jealous of Dick for getting assigned to watch cheerleaders: 1
Batman Beyond #11
Number of grimacing dudes punching each other for, like, 11 pages straight: 4
Blue Beetle #12
Number of times Ted Kord wrote letters to the Justice League begging to join: 1 or 2… per week
Number of times I’ve seen “psychotropic fire” used in a comic before: 0
Detective Comics #963
Number of times someone says, “What the cats?”: 1!
Number of guns Batman has on hand to stop Sandman if he goes crazy: 6, which, doesn’t he have a whole thing about guns?
Hal Jordan and the Green Lanterns #27
Number of stupid things Hal does to forestall Orion doing something stupid: 5
Number of stupid things Orion does anyway: 1
Harley Quinn #26
Number of times Catwoman sits on Poison Ivy’s face: 1
Number of times it’s in a sexy way: 0
Suicide Squad #24
Number of uses of the word “hero” and “villain”: 11, plus “underpants-on-the-outside brigade” and other classy euphemisms
Teen Titans #11
Number of uses of the words “father,” “son,” “mother,” and “family”: 11
Number of times Beast Boy uses a sound effect to tell people to shut up: 1 (SHOOSH)
The Flash #29
Number of times Barry gripes in a caption about his new powers: 7
Batman/The Shadow #5
Number of times the “Batman gets fatally wounded, Alfred patches him up, he stubbornly continues the case despite expert medical advice, nothing particularly bad happens to him because of it” trope was still compelling: probably about 100, but now it’s just ugh. Listen to your doctors, kids. Take care of your health.
Kirby 100 – Manhunter Special #1
Number of predictions Jack Kirby’s Real Facts Comics features accidentally got right: 9, including Battle Bots!
Mother Panic #10
Number of security cameras smashed by Mother Panic: 4, and also my heart
This book is so strange, and so good, and so queer.
Nightwing: The New Order #1
Number of different fascist dystopia futures we’ve seen in the past two weeks: 4, which is just too many. Maybe throw in a fascist present or two, hm?
Scooby Doo Team-Up #29
Number of different parties dressing up as the ghost: 3
The Hellblazer #13
Number of times Tim Seeley (an American) writes “British” slang into Constantine’s dialogue poorly: 21 (as determined by me, also an American)
The Kamandi Challenge #8
Number of times I was impressed by this issue: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯