It’s Winnie-the-Pooh Day and what’s a better way to celebrate this holiday than with a definitive ranking of the series’ characters. This list is THE list to silence all other attempts at ranking the nine major characters featured in A. A. Milne’s stories while making all pre-existing lists irrelevant.

I have previous experience in “list making that contributes to society,” seen in Top Ten Tips for Being a Vigilante On a Budget and Top Five Alternative Superman Stories We Wished Existed. My methodology includes half-remembering the television series and film (or films because I feel like there was at least two) I watched as a kid.

9. Christopher Robin

Christopher Robin. Winnie-the-Pooh. A. A. Milne.

I’m already writing Christopher off. I have nothing against him personally but as the only human in a world of anthropomorphic animals, he’s the least interesting. He’s a nice kid but his membership to the Homo sapiens crew places him in 9th place.

8. Tigger

Tigger. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne.

I was very tempted to put Tigger in ninth place. He’s essentially what you get when you give an ill-advised amount of sugar to a child and then that child also has a tail that they bounce on…incessantly. Tigger’s energy is too much and writing about him has already exhausted me.

7. Roo

Roo. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne.

He’s growing up to be Tigger: The Sequel. Pass.

6. Owl

Owl. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne. Disney.

Owl is the worse kind of talkative: the scatter-brained kind. Answer my question. Get to the point. I literally didn’t ask that.

That’s it. I honestly can’t remember anything else about him. He’s an owl.

7. Rabbit

Rabbit. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne. Disney.

Rabbit is who I would become if I lived in a world where Tigger existed: easily irritated, craving order, and gardening to keep me sane.

4. Kanga

Kanga. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne. Disney.

Kanga is Roo’s mom and when I think about Kanga, I think about food. She’d feed me, rub my back, and keep me warm with her hugs. I imagine hot food…mmm.

3. Piglet

Piglet. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne. Disney.

Piglet is adorable and also a scaredy cat but that’s okay. He’s a cutie.

2. Winnie-the-Pooh aka Pooh

Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne. Disney.

Pooh bear loves honey! I love food! This connects us. Also, his crop top is cool.

1. Eeyore

Eeyore. Winnie-the-Pooh. AA Milne. Disney.

Eeyore has always captured my attention. He’s got perseverance. His house was constantly getting destroyed and then he had to rebuild it (and he always rebuilt it). He’s a character who’s pretty depressed, which is a point towards representing those experiences in a children’s show, but he can still be compassionate and sarcastic. Also: look at that pic! I owned a Eeyore stuffed toy as a kid so I could be biased, but I’m pretty sure I’m not.

This is normally where I ask you what your rankings would be but since this is the definitive ranking of the Winnie-the-Pooh characters, there is no other legitimate version. Thanks for reading!

Note: You totally can though. If you had to release your rankings and will explode otherwise, I guess I’ll allow it.