As the holiday season creeps closer, we’re inundated with shining, glittering things trying to tempt us away from our money. But for every incredible fun gift idea we see, there are at least 100 awful things that no one would (or sometimes should!) ever want. So I collected together seven of the worst possible comic book themed things you could buy for anyone on Kal-El’s green Earth. Maybe you’ve picked someone in Secret Santa who used your work mug? Maybe you hate the holidays? Or maybe you just love bad stuff like me? Whatever the reason you clicked on this, please feast your eyes upon this list of things that no one would (or should) ever want to own.
I really need to know why Jon Bernthal signed this fucking knife. Like where did he really see that going? Luckily for him it wasn’t into another man’s spleen—at least not yet. It’s actually being sold on a memorabilia site for an extortionate amount of money, waiting for the next man who has misunderstood almost 40 years of Punisher canon to spend a whole bunch of money on a deadly weapon signed by Shane from The Walking Dead.
Firstly these napkins only have Thor on them, so that’s false advertising. Secondly how is Marvel charging almost $9 for 32 paper napkins? These are so utterly awful for many reasons not least because getting napkins for a gift would be an obvious slight. So if you dislike anyone enough to essentially spend $10 just to shade them, then these overpriced licensed pieces of paper are for you.
I just need to open this statement by saying I am one hundred percent here for some fantastic licensed sex toys. But alas, this gold silicone dildo in the vague shape of the Iron Man suit is not one of them. The misshapen yellow visage of a war profiteer’s latest invention hardly gets my juices flowing, but maybe you know someone who wishes they could fuck an entire metal exoskeleton! To each their own.
My favorite kind of licensed goods are the kind that are just a really boring household item that’s decorated with the face of a made-up character. These nail clippers are a perfect mix of mundane utility and weirdly cute character design … and they’re a keychain too! If you’ve ever wished your toenails were being cut by an eternal teenager in spandex, then these keychain nail clippers are for you.
Ideologically, I like the idea of someone being able to start a collection with 50 comics for only $25. What a nice idea, right? But sadly I read comics and have worked in a comic shop so I know that this’ll be a horrifying selection of mid #30-numbered New 52 issues mixed with some Secret Wars 2015 crossover books—and no one deserves those.
These are actually pretty fantastic just because of how weird and clunky they are. Also, I do like the idea of kids running around with knife hands. It’s sooo Nightmare on Elm Street-cute. Anyway, if you always wished that Wolverine’s claws looked like they had a massive silver box attaching them to his hands and were made out of cheap plastic, it’s okay! Because you can own them for under $7! Oh, and did I mention that they come with a light-up mask?
What kind of duct tape costs $13 though, really? It better tape my skull back together after it explodes from seeing duct tape that costs $13. Anyway, if you want to get into some kinky stuff or spend A LOT of money packing some boxes, then this Batman logo printed duct tape … is the household sticky tape for you. Holy Giftmas!