You’ve read the bad reviews. You’ve heard all your friends moaning and groaning. You know it and you accept it. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is a bad movie. But you’re gonna see it anyway. Don’t worry friends, we’ve got your back. Here’s how you’re going to make it through the worst superhero film of 2016: food and drink and, depending on your local laws, illicit substances.
Ray, Ardo, an anonymous WWAC contributor, and I have some ideas for what you can binge eat and binge drink, as a grasp for continued life in defiance of the horrors of BvS. Onward!
Ray Sonne: Alcohol saved my life at Batman v Superman.
I prepared for this movie as hard as I could. We went out to drinks beforehand. I picked up like eight nips of different rums, whiskeys, vodkas, and tequilas. If nips aren’t legal in your area, fuck the law—this is self-preservation, dammit. Rumchata got me through the first two hours of the movie, and Fireball rescued me from the pits of despair.
When the long-awaited fight between Batman and Superman occurred, my entire group was already dead inside. Some of my friends took the sequence in with glazed eyes and heavy hearts. I held up my Fireball and stared at it most of the way through. Every time I returned my gaze to the screen—MISTAKE!
I repeat: every time I returned my gaze to the screen. That is because I apparently do not learn from my mistakes the first time around. Be better than me.
But Ray, you say, I can’t drink alcohol. What about my bladder? Baby, ur bladder will be okay, I promise.
If BvS is nice to you about ONE thing, it’s that its opening scene is one of the most redundant opening scenes made in the last ten years, if not more. That means it’s prime for pee-urgent pre-gamers.
As for your bladder exploding during the movie, worry not. You can run to the bathroom during some of the worst sequences, which you will be able to see coming from a mile off. Pee in that toilet. Take that nap. Do whatever you have to do. Just keep chugging afterward.
Your soul WILL die if you are a DC fan or a person who expected at least a technically competent movie from such an inflated budget. So bring your favorite food, too. It’s your last fucking chance before you have to live in a world where you saw Batman v Superman in theaters.
Ardo Omer: The regret for not having anything to drink or anything to eat, because I was afraid I’d need something to drink is strong. Hindsight being 20/20 is no joke. I wish I had gotten nachos and dunked those chips into that cheese (cheese cause I got no patience for theatre salsa) and drunk bad-for-me pop or delicious-but-also-not-great-for-me slurpy. I might have missed Hottie McHots Bae from Across the Bay Batfleck and bad ass Wondy, but overall, I think I could have gone to a friend or relatives house to watch their inevitable DVD purchase of BvS and fast forwarded to those parts (maybe pause and sigh at BILF* Affleck). So yeah. Eat and drink literally anything. Make the experience somewhat salvageable if you are one of the people who will potentially walk out hating it or, like me, leave a fugue state trying to remember where I had gone for 2+ hours.
*Batmen I’d Like to … I’m a lady!
ANON: Weed. Just show up to the theatre ripped. Get a bucket of popcorn and put some butter on it. Like a lot. You’ll need it to satisfy the munchies, and it’s important to have something to do with your hands in between making WTF hand motions to your friends when reacting to something on screen. Make sure you have some way to keep your high sustained—edibles recommended—because you don’t want to accidentally sober up halfway through. Maybe get an ICEE for that bonus sugar. DEFINITELY get a beverage though, because you don’t want dry mouth to interfere with your jaw-drop reactions. Getting high is the way to go, though, because this movie is hilarious, intentions be damned, and treating it like a stoner comedy is the best way to combat any expectations you might have.
Warning: You want a good buzz happening, because it will take the edge of fangirl horror off of the experience of watching this film, but you don’t want to be in full-swing paranoia terror mode, because there are some weird as shit visuals awaiting you, along with some jump scares. Also, don’t get caught smoking up in a movie theatre bathroom or whatever, that will make this experience even worse.