#FreePeterParker: Spidey is Trapped in a Timeloop — WWAC to the Rescue!

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When Sony agreed to let Marvel Studios give us the next Spidey film, we had our hopes that we’d get something more, because really, after five Spider-Man movies, we’re tired of Peter Parker and had our hearts set on a fresh take on the webslinger. Alas, we’ve got a new Spider-Man and it’s, unsurprisingly, not Miles Morales and it’s another teenaged version of the wallcrawler.

Perhaps you too will be boycotting this not-so-new film. Or, you may still hold out hope for Marvel Studios to give us something really cool and interesting. We’ve got some ideas…

Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and develops the intense urge to move to Australia.

— Laura Harcourt

In celebration of the new Peter Parker being black: Peter Parker is illegally arrested and detained at a local police station. At the same time, a number of cops on the take decide it’s a good idea to store radioactive materials in the evidence lock-up before “disposing” of them for OsCorp. They fail to notice a spider’s nest and Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider and has a criminal arrest record due to illegal profiling practices.

— Gabby Patterson

Peter Parker VI lives in the shadow of her family’s long line of Peter Parkers. It all started with the first Peter Parker, the first full-time Protestant medical missionary to China. Since then every generation has been born male, named Peter, and turned into a medical genius. When she came out decidedly a girl, her ancestors groaned and rolled about in agony in their graves. Her father, the great brain surgeon of Alberta, Peter Parker V, insisted on making the most of the situation, still named her Peter, and enrolled her in science-only education. To make her parents (well, actually her mother would have been happy with whatever she wanted to do) proud, she threw her entire life into her studies. After graduating medical school at age 17 she began to develop a flesh regenerating procedure for burn victims, using the DNA of rare south Pennsylvania spiders. When no one would let her test her new science on a living human she tested it on herself. The rest is history.

— Al Rosenberg

The Tick created by Ben EdlundPeter gets bitten by a spider, confuses his arachnids, and becomes The Tick.

— Laura Harcourt

Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, but instead of gaining proportional spider strength, he begins transmuting into a horrifying spider-human hybrid. Think Kafka’s Metamorphosis as adapted by David Cronenberg, but less about grossness and more about the realization of a potential that conventional society finds repulsive. Also about a guy with the power to shoot silk out of his butt.

— Kelly Kanayama

Peter gets bitten by a radioactive spy and begins wearing a tuxedo everywhere and speaking in code words.

— Laura Harcourt

Peter Parker was just your average kid. Every day he went to school, diligently completed his homework, and spent his spare time being bullied and ogling Mary Jane from across the cafeteria. And at the end of every day, he’d scuttle home as quickly as he could on eight legs to his aunt May and uncle Ben, who always knew how to cheer him up after a long day.

But today would be different, because today Peter and his classmates would be visiting OsCorp, the biggest and best Big Science corporation. It was a dream come true for Peter, who had spent months reading about their groundbreaking research into human genetics. Most of the other kids were grossed out by the skinny, nearly hairless bodies of the humans, but Peter’s mind reeled with possibilities.

But his train of thought was interrupted when he felt something nibbling on one of his legs, and looked down to discover that one of the humans had escaped! His classmates fled, but Peter was locked in place. He could feel his senses changing: he could see much better now, but could no longer sense the vibrations of the other spiders rushing around him. He hurried home, but quickly discovered that his legs would not carry him as quickly as they used to, and that his ability to climb was impaired. The thought seemed absurd but he couldn’t help but think it: he had gained the powers of a pubescent human boy!

He resolved then that he would use these newfangled abilities to protect his city, so long as he could learn to control his new found body odor, oddly placed body hair, and…pimples?

— KM Bezner

bwspdr-getty-imagesPeter Parker is bitten by a radio active black widow spider. Peter realizes they’d rather be a girl, transitions, and changes their name to Natasha Romanoff. We finally get that Black Widow movie we wanted.*

— Wendy Browne

Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider. He develops sepsis and dies. Mary-Jane campaigns against animal research.

— Laura Harcourt

Peter Parker is a Korean kid adopted by white parents in Minnesota. I don’t know where I’m going with this; I just think it would be cool!

— Kelly Kanayama

In high school, Peter Parker was bitten by a spider on a tour through OsCorp. It was a completely normal spider, but he was convinced that he had obtained spider powers. He now spends his days knitting webs out of yarn while munching on fruit flies.

Depressing alternative: Convinced that he has spider powers, Peter Parker nearly dies in an attempt to swing from one rooftop to rooftop using meticulously woven spider thread. After being briefly institutionalized, his delusions are “cured.” He continues to collect spiders, and will occasionally goad them into biting him in the hopes that he might regain his lost abilities.

— KM Bezner

Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and shrinks in size over night. Aunt May steps on him in the morning.

— Laura Harcourt

Cindy Moon gets bitten by the radioactive spider meant for Peter thus begins Peter Parker’s journey of self discovery in what it means to be a young man in America…as written by John Green.

— Ardo Omer


There you go, Marvel Studios. Sure fire ways to make sure that you’re next Spider-Man movie is way more interesting than it probably will be. You’re welcome!

 

*Editor’s note: Revised to more appropriately reflect the transgender experience. ~ WB

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About Author

WWAC Assistant Editor and Left Hand. Also, mother, geek, gamer, writer, blogger, bibliophile. Not necessarily in that order.

3 Comments

  1. hahahahah, all of these are wonderful.
    Wendy – so clever! That’s how we’ll get them!

  2. I think the Miles Morales getting arrested is legit; however, I don’t want another black, male character getting his powers by being behind bars.