Red Sonja, Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, Marvel Comics, Bronze Age

Sword fighting mentor, inn room renter

Let’s see? Would my date with Red Sonja be sexy-sex date, a cute romance date, or a friend date? Well, ideally, it would be all three!

The premise would begin with learning some self-defense and anti-heroics from Red Sonja (I mean who could a better choice for this?!). I would ask her to show me some basics in sword fighting. I mean I really want to learn this, but this is a great excuse to get closer to Red Sonja (provided she’s taken a bath), so win-win. She would wrap her arms around me as she demonstrates how to hold a broadsword properly. I would try to focus on the task at hand, because obviously I want to impress her, but it would be hard to ignore that I was that close to the She-devil with a Sword.

Anyway, sexual tension builds, but hey, aren’t we supposed to be working on developing my fighting and barbarianing skills here? So we decide that obviously to prove my worth as a barbarian, we need to hit up the nearest inn for some local brew. The locals owe Red Sonja for saving their ass multiple times, so the food and brew is on the house. We take mighty advantage of it. She shares many heroic tales with me. After we’ve imbibed for a bit, I ask her what she really thinks of the chainmail bikini? Clearly, that is personal, and I cannot reveal the answer here.

Our discussion becomes more personal, and we become closer, but unfortunately we are interrupted by some barbarian men who ask if we will make-out for them. We laugh at their patriarchal audacity. They laugh along, oblivious to our real intentions. She leans in close to me, right in front of them, and whispers in my ear, “Here’s where your lessons pay off.” She then grabs her sword, flips the table over, and propels herself off the upturned table at the misogynistic assholes. I follow, a happy sidekick to such a ferocious warrior. It only takes us a few minutes to fell the entire crew. Exhilarated by our feminist victory, we decide it best to rent a room from the innkeeper for the night.


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