Merry Scary Christmas: Treevenge
Directed by Jason Eisner
Starring: Jonathan Torrens, Sarah E. Dunsworth, Lex Gigeroff, Molly Dunsworth, Glenn Matthews, and Kristin Slaney
Yer Dead Productions
Treevenge is a short, indie film about…wait for it…it’s soooo good…THE REVENGE OF CHRISTMAS TREES! Seriously, could anything be more awesome than that? No, I don’t think so. A perfect premise for a Christmas horror film. Forget balding, ginger dolls possessed with the spirit of serial killers and evil Santas, what about the Christmas trees?! And you thought you were safe, ha!
Since this is a short film, I decided to write my “review” as a running commentary which is really just a random compendium of my thoughts regarding the film.
We begin with ominous music and a looming Christmas tree. Oh, but wait, some 60s tunes and lovely Christmas trees covered in snow. How pretty.
Oh, shit there’s an ax, and chainsaws, and burly lumberjacks! I already sympathize with the trees. Poor trees.
The music and sound effects are amazing — calling back to the slasher and exploitation films of the 60 and 70s.
The trees are shaking and making funny sounds in terror.
Y’all, these lumberjacks be crazy and using very misogynistic slurs.
Poor baby tree trembling in terror. Oh, apparently, the trees speak their own language that is translatable into English.
The trees try to latch onto one another in an act of resistance, but alas it doesn’t work!
Wait, they are burning the trees. Why are they burning some of the trees?! I know nothing about lumberjacking, but like why would you burn the trees that bring you money?
Soooo, despite being no longer attached to their root system, they are still sentient? I mean that’s just not very logical.
The trees kind of sound like Ewoks which I bet you dollar to donuts is deliberate. Ewoks = cute.
But, don’t be fooled, because Ewoks will capture you and light a literal fire under your ass.
In a truck heading towards the Christmas tree farm, the trees begin to plan. One of the trees just can’t take it and is totally being a spaz. That’s the one you just let end up killing themselves.
These lumberjacks really have some aggression issues.
Oh, look, it’s our unsuspecting white, nuclear family. They’re doomed!
They bring the tree home. So much sexual innuendo that is barely innuendo. Oh, look, he’s lubing up the tree.
Tree decorating begins to one of my favorite Christmas tunes Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” The tree is less than impressed. I feel judged.
Some other folks putting up and decorating trees. More not-so innuendo sexual innuendos.
Christmas morning, the happy family is opening presents, but then the daughterl is snatched by the tree! There’s the kind of blood spray you find in a Tarantino flick. Even the camera lens gets soaked with blood!
Ahahaha, the tree just killed the dad by using the tree topper as a weapon!
Oh, hell no, the tree murdered the cat! I am now against the trees. Why can’t we just stick to the exploitative humans, huh? Asshole trees.
You think you can run, but you can’t! The trees are everywhere! Not just in people’s houses!
The couple trying to get it on. Oh, wow, this death scene, imma save it for you to watch.
Oh, the tree just chopped off the lumberjack’s leg with an ax. That’s some divine retribution right there.
So, so, so much gore.
Oh, shit, the tree just killed a baby. They totally went there.
The end. I won’t tell you who wins.
Lesson learned: Thank the Yule Log, I have an artificial tree. Wait, what if like plastic comes to life and wants to enact revenge? Ohmigawd.
The director has the film up on Vimeo for free and for sharing, so you can watch it right here. Do it, do it now: